I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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