I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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