So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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