I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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