Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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