my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize