if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
