I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just gift wrapped bread.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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