census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
