I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dear god my vagina.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize