i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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