I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
