The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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