he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize