I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize