when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
