Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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