I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dear god my vagina.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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