I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
