Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
