bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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