I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's official drugs can't kill me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
