This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
