Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
