I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The power of my boobs compel you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
