Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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