I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
then he tried to convert me to islam
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
