I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
