ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
