just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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