I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
