and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
