Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
