im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
