i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
