I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
