I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
