I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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