its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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