Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
