I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
we're so committed to being not committed
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
