My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
