everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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