Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
