Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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