I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
His nipple licking is glorious
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