I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
