I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
