just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize