the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
