I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
