i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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