I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
