Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
