Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
