I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize