I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Less talking, more tequila
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
