By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
