Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
