Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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